Our Spring issue is pleased to have a personal and powerful article from Katja Rusanen, author, spiritual life coach, and inspirational speaker.
She shares her early experience with a lover’s suicide and its impact on her life, then ties her personal journey into her professional approach to health and healing.
We offer an excerpt of Katja’s article from our upcoming publication:
The question “why?” was an open wound that would not stop bleeding. I was just sixteen but felt my life had ended at the same moment my first boyfriend took his. I was left behind to make sense of it. I wasn’t a survivor of suicide; I was a victim of life.
Undoubtedly, most of us suffer some type of traumatic event in our lives; even the everyday suffering of loneliness and insecurity can be traumatic. These events and their consequences need to be resolved; otherwise, they may potentially block our capacity to enjoy our normal life and negatively affect our well-being. Epstein (2014) explains that death and illness touch us all, and his conclusion is that the way out of pain is through it.
For many years my interpretation of reality was that my boyfriend’s suicide shattered my life. I felt that a part of me died, too. What actually happened was that I left a soul fragment in the moment of time when I heard the news, which is why it felt as if a part of me was gone. This lost part became an anchor that kept me stuck in the past; I was not able to let go of the painful memory.
What consoled me most was a vivid dream, right after his transition. In that specific dream he apologized to me and explained what had happened. During the years since his death, I have grown to understand that it was indeed his soul communicating with me. This experience made me believe that our loved ones who have left this physical realm are still reachable in Spirit. No one is ever lost.
It was hard for me to accept his choice and forgive myself for not having been there in time to save him. I was full of self-blame and felt responsible for what had happened. This guilt made me feel that I was also judged socially. I quickly learned to hide my pain under a smiley mask and kept the pain trapped in my heart. It became a blockage that stopped me from giving or receiving love. I believed in my misinterpretation of this story, that love causes pain, and so it did, as we manifest what we believe.
You can read her complete article here.